{"id":347,"date":"2020-07-24T13:47:19","date_gmt":"2020-07-24T12:47:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/blog\/?p=347"},"modified":"2025-05-15T10:44:21","modified_gmt":"2025-05-15T09:44:21","slug":"when-friendship-falters","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/when-friendship-falters\/","title":{"rendered":"When Friendship Falters"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Love is love \u2013 familial, romantic, fleeting or friendship. And love can be a bugger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Across ten years of listening to clients, I\u2019ve heard many speak at length about their friendships. One of the first things I ask suicidal clients is \u201care there are any friends in your orbit?\u201d. This is because friendships are pivotal to our sense of community and belonging in the world. Put another way, \u2018friendship is vital to human wellbeing because this form of human love gets under our skin quite as much as any other, for good and ill\u2019, says Mark Vernon, psychotherapist and author of \u2018The Philosophy of Friendship\u2019 .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Vernon writes that \u2018the causes of social ills \u2013 from homelessness, to divorce and obesity \u2013 are variously cited as poverty, mobility or unhappiness. But new research from Gallup suggests something else is going wrong: friendship. It seems modern society has overlooked the importance of the relationship that Aristotle noted is \u2018more desirable in life than any other good thing\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Healthy friendships are vital for physical and mental health: some stats<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In his book, \u2018Vital Friends: The People You Can\u2019t Afford to Live Without\u2019, Gallup Director Tom Rath shares some hard facts: if your best friend eats healthily, you are five times more likely to have a healthy diet yourself. People say friendship is over five times as important as physical intimacy in marriage. Individuals with no real friends at work have only a one in 12 chance of feeling engaged in their job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More insights: the importance of friendships for wellbeing<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Research published in the Sociological Review distinguishes between \u2018simple\u2019 and \u2018complex\u2019 friendships. The former is what we might think of as fun alliances that we don\u2019t expect to last. The latter, however, are a different ballgame. The study concludes that the ending of complex \u2013 or meaningful \u2013 friendships can be as painful as the breakdown of a romantic relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, between the ages of 30 to 40, Mahdawi writes, is a \u2018natural time for friendship dynamics to change: people start focusing on advancing their careers and building families rather than socialising with pals.\u2019 This is a form of loss, plain and simple \u2013 or as may be the case, plain and complicated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Institutional bias and societal norms<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mahdawi goes on to highlight that \u2018our culture is based around celebrating romantic and familial milestones: engagements, weddings, christenings. We are not taught to venerate or celebrate friendship in the same way we are romantic relationships. We are not taught that friendships can be just as complex, if not more so, than romantic couplings\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fact that there is no \u2018institutional life course\u2019 for friendships is underscored by Vernon. For example, in romantic relationships these may include moving in, children and possibly marriage\/divorce. These institutions then form part of the support structures when there is difficulty. I would add that they give a language to communicate experiences and to be understood; both vital for mental health.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are also in the constraining grip of social norms. It doesn\u2019t seem to be the norm for friends \u2013 certainly in the UK \u2013 to have a session or three together. Is there fear of judgement? Or, not being in the mainstream orbit, does it not occur to friends that are floundering to hit up a therapist? Perhaps sidling up to your mate and saying, \u201chow about it?\u201d is way too vulnerable-making itself. The fact that friends rarely arrive at my door together is a missed opportunity. Practically speaking, the task of working on relationships with only one party in the room is often bloody hard; and counter intuitive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Furthermore, if we \u2013 and society in general \u2013 don\u2019t fully recognise the potential gravity of relationships between friends then we are missing a trick in unlocking better mental health for society at large.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A counter to cultural and societal constraints: phenomenology<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

During my training to become a therapist I learnt about phenomenology. I learnt that one of the best ways that I could support another is by letting them<\/em> tell me the meaning of an experience for them. I aim to be aware of and bracket my own expectations or assumptions \u2013 sometimes affected by cultural\/societal norms \u2013 so I am able to hear the entirety of another\u2019s experience, including of friendships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s no knocking Nietzsche: finding some peace in it all<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally \u2013 in the meantime \u2013 if your love for a close pal has become tenuous, or lost altogether, perhaps the following from Nietzsche (1882) will soften the way. He talked about \u2018star friendships\u2019: serenity in being able to bow to the blinding beauty of what a friendship has been \u2013 a star<\/em> friendship. And, about embracing present distance between two such souls as being part of the universe\u2019s natural order. He writes: \u2018we were friends and have become estranged. But this was right, and we do not want to conceal and obscure it from ourselves as if we had reason to feel ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its goal and course \u2026 Our exposure to different seas and suns has changed us! That we have to become estranged is the law above us.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This article is published on Welldoing.org: <\/em>http:\/\/bit.ly\/2PPXE8n<\/em><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Love is love \u2013 familial, romantic, fleeting or friendship. And love can be a bugger.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-347","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorised"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/347","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=347"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/347\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":561,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/347\/revisions\/561"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=347"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=347"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=347"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}