{"id":309,"date":"2020-05-22T07:35:04","date_gmt":"2020-05-22T06:35:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/blog\/?p=309"},"modified":"2025-05-15T11:29:05","modified_gmt":"2025-05-15T10:29:05","slug":"to-lead-or-not-to-lead","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/to-lead-or-not-to-lead\/","title":{"rendered":"To direct or not to direct"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Eight reasons why therapists find it tricky to make suggestions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I suggest that you.. \u2019 is something I rarely say to clients. If you are deciding how much (it’s a continuum) you want to be led by your therapist \u2013 how directive an approach you want – the following may help. For the purposes of this piece, I\u2019m defining directivity as the \u2018I suggest\u2019 kind of comment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are 8 reasons why I don\u2019t tend to direct clients \u2013 and some exceptions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Suggestions tend to be things you already know but can’t seem to do.<\/strong><\/em> And, there\u2019s already plenty of \u2018this is what you could do\u2019 around \u2013 from friends, family, on the web etc. I\u2019m paid for something different. Furthermore, suggestions often displace more intricate conversation about what makes practical decisions difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. It\u2019s impractical – I don\u2019t have access to the necessary information<\/strong><\/em>. Therapy often nudges clients to ways and means for navigating their odyssey. The process of empathising with clients, for example, helps to \u2018mine\u2019 for knowledge: my genuine, inquisitive tip-toeing in a client\u2019s world has, time and again, led to new and pertinent information being unearthed. Such information has invariably led to different \u2013 empowering – choices.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Below is an example from my own therapy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me: I don\u2019t like to admit it but I feel envious
\nTherapist: Yes, you\u2019re envious! You\u2019re coveting something, missing something in\nyour own \u2018house\u2019 \u2013 but what?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I subsequently made several changes to \u2018my own house\u2019 that in fact fed\nmy self-esteem, leaving me less inclined to compare. My therapist\u2019s empathy\nhelped me to crystallise what was missing in my life. I needed to register my\nenvy as information in order to take action. When I did, it dissolved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My therapist could not possibly have come up with the specific changes I\nneeded to make. Only I knew, for example, what interested and motivated me,\nwhat bored me, what frustrated me and so on; and hence what needed shifting.\nSimilarly, as a therapist, I see that the changes my clients conjure I could\nnot possibly have put on the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. I don\u2019t have a clue<\/em><\/strong>.<\/em> When I\u2019m asked, \u2018what would you do?\u2019, often the answer is that I don\u2019t know. I\u2019m back to information: my entire experience of a situation, including my feelings and bodily sensations, are data points that direct my subsequent responses. With a hypothetical question, I\u2019m missing all this data. I can help others access their self-knowledge though \u2013 that\u2019s definitely my jam.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. I don\u2019t want to risk my respect for you seeming conditional<\/strong><\/em>. By directing, I may confer that \u2018I’d prefer you to take one course over another\u2019. The subtext may well be understood as: \u2018my respect \u2013 or acceptance – is conditional on you following this\u2019. This has implications for what you might choose to share or show of yourself, yet my priority is to make it as easy as possible for you to bring as much as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. It\u2019s an illusion \u2013 and potentially a disempowering one<\/em><\/strong>. If I\u2019m dishing out advice we\u2019re probably a world away from what I call empowerment. I.e. You finding your own creative solutions and accessing your self-expertise. \u2018It is\u00a0the\u00a0client who\u00a0knows\u00a0what\u00a0hurts, what directions to go, what problems are crucial, what experiences have been deeply buried\u2019 said the eminent therapist and academic, Carl Rogers. If I start to lead, then I\u2019m also saying that \u2018I know best about you\u2019. How does that help your relationship with yourself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. I don\u2019t know you well enough<\/strong>.<\/em> If I do give my opinion, I want to be confident that you will discard it if it doesn\u2019t resonate. However, often the very reason that people end up seeing me is because they have lost themselves \u2013 they don\u2019t trust their own judgement and don\u2019t know what resonates. If I don\u2019t know you well enough, I can\u2019t gauge my confidence that a. you know enough of your own position to discard mine if unhelpful and b. you\u2019d be able to tell me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. I do know you well enough and know <\/em>the risk of disempowering is high<\/em><\/strong>. <\/em>For those struggling with shaky self-esteem or identity, for example,<\/em> it\u2019s probably hard to know how my opinion\/suggestion sits or interplays with their own. It\u2019s common in these scenarios for my opinion to be taken on automatically because of my role or title. I then need to tread carefully; I\u2019m being given a heck of a lot of power. And this is the opposite of what I want: to empower, to help people self<\/em>-direct.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

8. There\u2019s too much tension with autonomy<\/strong><\/em>. I\u2019m mad keen on the ethical principle of \u2018autonomy\u2019 (as in the BACP Ethical Framework for the Counselling Professions 2018). If I\u2019m telling someone what they could\/should do, I\u2019m probably not fully respecting their agency.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Exceptions<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Where safety is concerned, abuse or self-harm\nfor example, I\u2019m down with being directive (\u2018have you thought about seeing your\nGP\u2019, for instance). I\u2019m not lofty in my ideals or poetic about therapy to the\nextent that I miss the practical imperative of client safety. Non-directivity\nis not a fixed entity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where it\u2019s explicitly solicited i.e. when a\nclient directs me to direct them: \u2018I want your opinion on this\u2019 or \u2018what do you\nthink I should do?\u2019. My newly-qualified self may have floundered in attempting\nto pass the question back. Now, I\u2019d try to honour the request more fully. That\nis, honour the client\u2019s knowing of what they need (even if this is an opinion);\nas well as attending to the process <\/em>(exploring the request itself\nincluding what the question means to them). Often when I\u2019ve responded with\nsomething like the latter, I\u2019ve not got the chance to give my opinion. It usually\nturns out that the client wasn\u2019t that invested in it; or that the question was\na symptom of something more meaningful that then occupies their attention\ninstead. And sometimes my opinion is exactly what they want; and I do not\nnecessarily need to withhold it \u2013 far from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Further, if I were to withhold when asked for\nan opinion, I may inadvertently be reinforcing the idea that I know best. Something\nlike, \u2018you think you need an opinion but I know that\u2019s not what you really need\u2019..!\nFor this reason, as I\u2019ve become more experienced and adept at computing all of\nthe above, I\u2019m more inclined to meet a request at face value; as well as to\nattend to the process around it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And one more thing<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Lest non-directivity be confused with neutrality: I\u2019m far from neutral in sessions. I\u2019m frequently exacting and open about how what I hear and see lands with me. And that itself could be experienced as directive.. However, I believe it leaves clients space to take hold of my offering, or not. And it avoids risks around respect and power. In taking a nuanced, non-directive stance my overwhelming experience is that feasts and fire evolve. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This article was originally published on Welldoing.org: https:\/\/bit.ly\/2Trn0dJ<\/a> <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Eight reasons why therapists find it tricky to make suggestions \u2018I suggest that you.. \u2019 is something I rarely say to clients. If you are deciding how much (it’s a continuum) you want to be led by your therapist \u2013 how directive an approach you want – the following may help. For the purposes of … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “To direct or not to direct”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-309","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorised"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/309","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=309"}],"version-history":[{"count":21,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/309\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":569,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/309\/revisions\/569"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=309"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=309"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=309"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}