Communicating is a tricky business. So many things can trigger us and block our ability to get what we need from conversations and relationships in general. For me it’s a process of continual learning and practise too, even if I’m aware of the following ‘traps’. Perhaps it’s similar for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1. \u2018That was not my intention\u2019<\/strong>. This is a sentence I hear a lot. That may well be the case \u2013 in my experience it is rare for someone to intentionally<\/em> hurt\/anger\/upset another \u2013 but these words are a block to communication. They are a distraction from hearing what the other is saying. If someone is telling you about the impact<\/em> on them of something you have said or done, try to resist any temptation to defend yourself with this line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, try thanking<\/em><\/strong> them for telling you, for confiding in you. If someone is telling me they are angry with me, I try to be in touch with some gratitude that they are including me in the conversation. How can we work on it if I don\u2019t know about it? That does not mean I have to agree with them, but it makes it a communication at least. An excellent starting point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2.\u2018Why are you telling me this now?\u2019<\/strong> is also a frequent flyer. And, another distraction from listening to the content of what’s being said. If you are trying to listen, but it is particularly hard, be aware of that difficulty. Try and figure out what specifically makes it so hard for you to hear. Is the content unsettling, frightening, overwhelming, infuriating?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Invariably, the same communication lands differently with each of us. Work on being aware of your part in how something lands with you. For example, I may find what I\u2019m hearing overwhelming because I am not used to frank conversation \u2013 I may even feel threatened and frightened in that overwhelm. Perhaps that was not the culture in my family whilst growing up. A common response would be to defend; but your history, nature and choices will play a part in that overwhelm. Take responsibility for that part, if you can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3.Speaking from \u2018I\u2019 before<\/em> checking out what you\u2019ve understood from the other person<\/strong>. Saying aloud what you\u2019ve understood \u2013 and being corrected if need be – before<\/em> speaking from your point of view is particularly useful if you are having a thorny discussion. It can work wonders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Note<\/strong>: The above is not<\/em><\/strong> relevant where abuse is involved within a couple relationship. I\u2019m not interested in communicating differently in that scenario, I\u2019m interested in everyone being safe. This would be a time to seek one-to-one counselling: https:\/\/www.bacp.co.uk\/search\/Therapists<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Communicating is a tricky business. So many things can trigger us and block our ability to get what we need from conversations and relationships in general. For me it’s a process of continual learning and practise too, even if I’m aware of the following ‘traps’. Perhaps it’s similar for you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[10],"class_list":["post-174","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorised","tag-communication"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/174","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=174"}],"version-history":[{"count":18,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/174\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":586,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/174\/revisions\/586"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=174"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=174"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=174"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}