I hope \u2013 and don\u2019t think I am \u2013 evangelical about \u2018the talking cure\u2019. Keeping shtum I\u2019ve found vitally protective at times. For example, when I\u2019ve tried talking and that has been damaging, having not been \u2018received\u2019 in that communication. The big risk with openness and sharing is exposure. Shame \u2013 the possible fallout from such exposure \u2013 is one of the dastardliest emotions that we feel as humans. So, I understand and respect the need to avoid communicating at times: when not talking is key. This may particularly apply in toxic relationships where boundaries are crucial; when not engaging is self-preservation.\u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let me now assume an alternative scenario, not one of toxic relationships. When I work with pairs of people \u2013 including family members, friends and couples, I see my role as facilitating each person to speak honestly without having to leave the room. And before it\u2019s too late. Many times have I seen crestfallen faces before me \u2013 individuals or pairs \u2013 mourning the tardiness of honest conversation. I realise that talking may be terrifying, gruelling, and marathon-like. Still, I urge you – if there is enough love between you and the other – to commit to exploring. To get yourself in a position where you are able to have those conversations; able to say what you need and to hear the other. If that is too unappealing, and you are willing to risk the consequences of not communicating, then that could be information too? Fear of talking aside, there may be other reasons you want to step away?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Even if the motivation is there, the utility of communication in difficult times may be limited by other factors. I can only hear, empathise, and communicate with others as much as I have worked through myself. For example, I\u2019ll struggle to take in the loneliness of another if I haven\u2019t come to terms with similar feelings in my own world. If I\u2019m pretty clear and sure about me, there\u2019s relatively little in others that will shake me in the long term. I would hope that as a listener, I can remain \u2013 or manoeuvre to be – open to listening when it is my turn to do so, even if in that moment I am being told to fuck off.\u00a0
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What about talking, communicating, even if only to oneself? The cost of not doing this can be beastly: bodies yelling in panic attack prose. Anxiety in this form is often thought to be the outlet for buried, unspoken experiences and emotions. Sad and scary perhaps, but our bodies are also trying to communicate and restore equilibrium during an episode. And perhaps the biggest risk of all in not honouring our own voices is as the Danish philosopher Kierkegaard (1849) describes: one\u2019s \u2018deepest despair\u2019 is to choose to be another than herself.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For the most part, I\u2019m pro talking then. Surprise! I can\u2019t knock communicating inwardly and outwardly. And neither, I don\u2019t think, could my favourite great Dane.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
References<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kierkegaard, S. (1980). The Sickness Unto Death (H. V. Hong & E. H. Hong, Trans.). Princeton: Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1849).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I hope \u2013 and don\u2019t think I am \u2013 evangelical about \u2018the talking cure\u2019. Keeping shtum I\u2019ve found vitally protective at times. For example, when I\u2019ve tried talking and that has been damaging, having not been \u2018received\u2019 in that communication. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorised"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":592,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1\/revisions\/592"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chandcounselling.co.uk\/writings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}